Testing started before the wedding and although it is a positive thing that we are on the right track - it is also incredibly scary and intimidating (made worse by the fact we have already hit a few blips). These are the moments that need sharing the most, I guess - we won't be the first to hit these snags and we certainly won't be the last. Plus, it's good to talk about it right?
So, first of all, I had to have basic tests - bloods, urine etc. Nothing too bad and all easily done through our GP. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a mistake made which meant some blood results came back showing they were abnormal even though they weren't. It actually turned out that they had let me take the blood test on the wrong day in my cycle (and when I say wrong day - I mean a whole 21 days out!) so it was completely null and void. This meant I had to retake the test and we had kind of started back at square 1. They then moved on to Kal and did pretty much the same tests for him but the male version I guess (luckily the only blips we had there was that the nurse couldn't get blood and it took a couple of appointments).
Mistakes out of the way, the Dr's have done everything they can, they then referred us to our local hospital who have done everything they can and we are now being referred to a hospital a little further away. This means we will be seen in an actual fertility clinic and hopefully will get the answers we need. This process is already taking a little while as, because the hospital is out of our area, they don't have all the information they need. This means I've had to try and get our dr's surgery to send the information across but it's taking some time. There then could be a 6-16 week wait for an appointment.
As hard and stressful as it all is, we are closer to where we need to be, whatever the outcome. Before the wedding we were both train wrecks. It was nothing but stress everyday and it felt like the world was ending (ok bit dramatic, you know what I mean). We made a pact to not speak about it or check any results during the week of the wedding or the week of our honeymoon and it really did wonders for us. We are now trying to just take every day as it comes but it of course doesn't come without it's difficulties.
I can't lie and say it isn't still hard when people announce they are pregnant, I've had many days of ugly crying wondering 'why not us?'- but that doesn't make me a horrible person. Unfortunately, something about this journey is that you don't really understand unless you have been through it yourself - and it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's also easier to take a pregnancy announcement from someone you don't really know as-well - as when it's someone close by, it really hits home. It's right there and everyone close to you is right there on it as well. I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for the pregnant mommas around me but I'm also not lying when I say it hurts like hell. That's the ugly side of infertility - sometimes it's just too hard to separate the two when you don't know if you'll ever get there yourself.
The fear of it all is that we still don't know whether we, as a couple, will be able to have a baby of our own. Only time will tell and until then it really is ok to have bad days, sad days and even write-off days as long as most days are ok days. Unfortunately my Christmas spirit has been zapped away this year and I don't think I'll be putting any decorations up but I'm looking forward to something to keep my mind off of everything for a few days as all we can do now is wait.
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